As in all walks of life there are some who regard their working life as a means to an end – a way of earning an income. But whenever that working life involves looking after people when they are vulnerable it ideally should be regarded as a vocation. That’s how I see my role as a funeral celebrant. It is a responsibility I take seriously because if done well it can transform the experience of the bereaved in as positive a way possible. Untold damage can be caused if done without sensitivity, patience and the needs of the bereaved coming first.

Serving the community
Just as a faith minister has their ‘flock’ or parish, I very much regard where I live and work as the community I serve. Being a celebrant has presented many opportunities to get involved and contribute to community benefit beyond planning and conducting funeral ceremonies from memorial rose planting events at private nursing homes for former residents to presenting talks to local groups.

What is key is that these extra curricula voluntary activities help to promote choice in funeral planning and foster links which are mutually beneficial. It puts the services you offer on the radar of people who might not have attended a funeral you have conducted and it is invaluable when demonstrating compassion for each other.

Be a force for good
You get a privileged perspective on the social and economic issues and challenges for a local community through your work as a celebrant. Plymouth I am sure is no different to other cities where sudden adult death, drug and alcohol abuse and suicide are not uncommon.

I am increasingly conducting funerals for people with mental health illness who took their own lives. I personally feel, having witnessed the devastating impact of suicide on families and friends, that I can play a greater part in changing public attitude to mental health matters. We really need to do everything we can to dispel the taboo and stigma associated with mental health.

The honesty and courage of families never fails to inspire me when they choose not to tip toe around the circumstances which brings people together for a funeral following a suicide. Heartfelt tribute words eloquently speak of the experience of living with someone who battled with depression or other diagnosed mental health conditions.

This is an extract from a eulogy presented by a widow:
“We are grieving for you. Grief I have been told is a cycle with the stages of shock, denial, anger, depression and detachment and finally acceptance. So for many of us here, given it is a matter of two weeks, we probably haven’t even begun to feel the level of despair you did on a daily basis for months on end.  How brave you were to battle daily, with your lack of energy, the helplessness and deep sadness in your heart.

“I have always been blessed with a sunny disposition but now have had a small taste and its overwhelming, exhausting, how you functioned I do not know.  Only now do I fully understand your favourite Columbo quote, “Sometimes kindness is wiser than the truth.”

A legacy beyond the funeral
Sometimes those working in the funeral service profession feel like they are parachuted in to support the bereaved for only a small part of their journey. Choosing to fundraise for good causes related to issues which lie behind the funerals I conduct feels like a more lasting legacy beyond the funeral taking place.

For example if I present talks to community groups it is in lieu of a donation to the fantastic charity Silverline which supports lonely isolated older people.

On 2 September I am signed up for a sponsored skydive to benefit a local MIND support group. I am doing it in memory of those with mental health illness whose funerals I have had the privilege of conducting. I have raised half of my sponsorship target of £400 so far – visit: https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/wendycoulton1
It’s all small scale activity but is better than doing none I guess.

Building emotional resilience
Working as a celebrant, who is independent of funeral firms or companies, can be a lonely experience with hours sat alone researching and writing scripts for ceremonies. There isn’t the spontaneous workplace banter between colleagues to break up the day or boost your morale.

I value time spent with funeral directors, arrangers and crematorium staff. I consider myself part of the team with a shared aim to serve the bereaved well.
​
But having the extra connections with the wider community – outside the realm of funerals – is immensely important for my own emotional resilience and maintaining a healthy perspective on life and death. 

​
​‘I am sorry’ is often said to me by the bereaved when they get emotional or struggle to think straight. The word sorry is said to originate from an old English term meaning pained or distressed. But the bereaved have nothing to regret or be apologetic about when what they are feeling or experiencing is a natural response to a loss, heartbreak or shock.

We often do what we can in life to avoid feeling pain or discomfort. This may be experienced as part of grief and bereavement but there can be reassurance from understanding and accepting that this is a natural response to what has happened.

Responding to a trauma
In many instances families I meet when planning a funeral service because of a premature or sudden death of a loved one are still reeling with shock. This is an acute medical condition associated with trauma or an event which has caused a sudden emotional stress.

The emotional and psychological symptoms from experiencing a trauma can be disbelief, confusion, difficulty concentrating and sleeping, loss of appetite, anger, irritability, mood swings, depression, anxiety, guilt, blame, withdrawal from others and feeling detached or numb.

According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists people react differently and will take different amounts of time to come to terms with what has happened.

The Royal College of Psychiatrists has helpful practical online advice:

Be kind to yourself

• There is no time frame to accept what has happened and learn to live with it.
• Rather than speculating or wondering what might have happened it is better to face the reality of what has actually happened.
• Sharing your loss with others for example by attending funeral or memorial services can be of comfort for some.
• Take time out for yourself when you need and want it. Sometimes relatives and friends think being with you around the clock and distracting you is a helpful strategy but it is important you can explain to them what you need and it may be to be on your own.
• Talk through at your pace and in as much or as little detail as you want about the trauma. It’s natural if you cry when you do this. Don’t bottle up your feelings.
• Try to look after yourself with a simple routine which ensures you are having a balanced diet, some gentle exercise and rest.  Avoid alcohol or drugs.
• Try to do some normal activities with other people without talking about the traumatic event or experience. Avoid taking on too much and don’t make any major decisions about your life until you are on a more even keel.
• Be careful because you may be more prone to an accident during this time.
• There is no shame if you are struggling for example see if you can agree with your employer a phased return to your work place.

 
How to help the bereaved
Be patient, listen, be available as and when the person needs your company and offer practical help if someone is struggling to take care of themselves. Respect their wishes and don’t make assumptions about what they are feeling or needing.
​
Seeking professional help
If you don’t have family or friends to confide in and you find after six weeks that your symptoms to the trauma worsen or start to have an impact such as accidents, employment or relationships then you should in the first instance ask your GP for help.
Your GP can discuss a range of treatment options from therapy and counselling to medication.

​Your final act of love
It’s still too big an ask for many people to feel comfortable talking about things to do with death but some are going further than that and with a diagnosis of terminal illness more people are putting in place their own funeral services as their final act of love for family and friends.

Follow their example
Today I was saddened to hear that a remarkable woman I met recently to plan her funeral had died. I left my meeting with her a few weeks ago with a clear set of hand written instructions for when I will conduct a celebration of life service in her memory. It was our second meeting because she had changed her mind on a couple of aspects since we had last spoken.

The unapologetic and honest motive for sorting out her own funeral was in her own words ‘to take back some of the control.’ Making her wishes known was also, she said, her way of protecting her family from having to make decisions when they may be upset or not thinking straight.

Benefits of advance planning
Making your last wishes known in advance can help to prevent conflict or worry which may come about from second guessing what you would have wanted. Typically there can be a five – seven working day timeframe from the time of death to holding a funeral service. This is a busy time when the bereaved can find they are having to make decisions and sort out financial, practical and legal matters.

It can be helpful for the person/s making the arrangements for a funeral to have clarity on key aspects like:

• Burial or cremation
• Music choices
• Flowers or no floral tributes
• Donations in your memory for a good cause
• Style/format (traditional formal or not)
• Poetry or readings.

Key milestones in life
For the preparation of tribute words it can be immensely helpful to have a record of key milestones and achievements with dates.

If easier set out in chronological order important details from date of birth and education to working life, family members, hobbies and achievements. This will help with the accuracy of what is said at the funeral.

Where to record your final wishes
Remember having a written record of what your final wishes are is only useful if you have told the appropriate person where you have kept that record so it can be retrieved promptly when the time comes.

Some may prefer to stick to handwritten instructions stored with important documents like Wills and Grave deeds etc in a secure container or with a third party like an executor/lawyer/wills storage facility.

​An example of a ‘virtual’ contemporary alternative is www.onceivegone.com

​Plan up to a point
A word of caution though – it is important not to stipulate every detail or aspect of your funeral because your family and friends may wish to express their love or pay their respects with their own contributions or ideas. Participation in the planning and actual funeral service activity can have therapeutic value for the bereaved.